PALMERSTON NORTH, NZ — Mayor Grant Smith has unveiled what council insiders are calling “the most ambitious non-plan in the city’s history,” announcing a bold new strategy to fix Palmerston North by simply waiting long enough for residents to forget what the original problem was.

Speaking from a council meeting room where several unresolved issues were quietly ageing like fine milk, the mayor assured the public that the approach had been “working for the past 10 years” and remained the city’s most reliable form of progress.

“People keep asking when we’re going to solve the big issues facing Palmerston North,” Smith said, carefully arranging a stack of unread reports into what appeared to be a defensive wall. “But what they don’t realise is that time itself is a solution. Eventually, people move away, get busy, or become too tired to keep asking.”

The strategy, titled The Long-Term Strategic Delay Framework 2026-2036, includes several key pillars: acknowledging concerns, commissioning a review, thanking the community for its feedback, and then placing the matter in a folder labelled “ongoing.”

Council officials say the plan has already delivered results across a number of areas, including the revitalisation of the CBD, public transport improvements, road safety complaints, and the city’s ongoing attempts to convince outsiders it is more than a place you stop for petrol on the way to Wellington.

“This is not inaction,” said one council spokesperson. “This is patient governance. There is a difference. Inaction is doing nothing. Patient governance is doing nothing with a logo.”

Residents have reportedly responded with cautious indifference, with many admitting they could no longer remember which specific issue they were angry about, only that it involved orange cones, The Square, or something being closed for slightly too long.

Local man Darren McDarren said he first raised concerns with the council in 2017 about a pothole outside his house, but had since accepted that it was now “part of the city’s character.”

“At first I wanted it fixed,” McDarren said. “Now I point it out to visitors. It’s basically a landmark. I think it’s got heritage value.”

The mayor denied suggestions that the plan was merely a way to avoid responsibility, insisting that council remained fully committed to the process of appearing committed.

“We understand people want action,” Smith said. “That’s why we’re announcing this plan today, so residents know that we are actively aware of the things we have not done.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, the mayor promised a follow-up update “in due course,” a phrase council staff later clarified meant “not soon enough for anyone to remember what this was about.”