Australia has officially confirmed it has suspended all plans to annex New Zealand after a senior official reportedly asked, “Wait, does that mean we get Palmerston North too?”
The question, raised during what insiders described as a “surprisingly advanced” cabinet briefing, is said to have immediately derailed months of strategic planning, economic modelling, and hastily renamed “Operation Pavlova Is Ours.”
According to sources inside Parliament House, the proposed annexation had been progressing smoothly until a staffer presented a map of New Zealand’s lower North Island and pointed to Palmerston North.
“At first, everyone thought it was just a typo,” said one anonymous Australian official. “Then someone confirmed it was a real place, with a square, a wind problem, and a mall that somehow feels like it has seen too much.”
The room reportedly fell silent.
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is understood to have asked whether Palmerston North could be “left out of the arrangement,” prompting officials to explain that annexing a country usually involves taking the whole country.
“That was the turning point,” said a defence analyst. “Australia was prepared for Auckland house prices, Wellington bureaucracy, and even Christchurch roadworks. But Palmerston North was assessed as a strategic, cultural, and emotional liability.”
A leaked briefing paper allegedly described Palmerston North as “a city of significant logistical confusion,” noting its large number of roundabouts, unexplained civic pride, and the fact that everyone from there insists it is “actually quite central to everything.”
Australian Treasury officials also raised concerns about the long-term cost of maintaining The Plaza, funding endless Fitzherbert Avenue road cones, and explaining to future generations why a city with that much wind has not simply blown away.
New Zealand officials have responded cautiously to the announcement, with one Beehive staffer saying the decision was “hurtful but understandable, we don't want it either.”
Palmerston North City Council, however, has rejected the characterisation, releasing a statement describing the city as “a thriving regional hub, a centre of education, defence, logistics, and people who say they’re from Wellington when anywhere else.”
Locals have taken the news in stride.
“I’m not surprised,” said one man eating in his parked car outside the Princess Street KFC. “Australia talks a big game, but they couldn’t handle the Square after 8:30pm on a Friday.”
Meanwhile, Manawatū residents have suggested the failed annexation proves Palmerston North’s true strategic value.
“We are New Zealand’s deterrent,” said one local historian. “Forget nuclear submarines. Forget defence alliances. As long as Palmerston North exists, no foreign power will ever fully commit.”
Australian officials have since clarified that while annexation is off the table, they remain open to “a limited cultural exchange” involving stealing Crowded House, pavlova, and any New Zealander who wins an Oscar.
Palmerston North has reportedly offered Australia a counterproposal: they can have Feilding.